Stand by for a special health message
Are you someone who is suffering from Ken Avidor? Hi, I'm Dr. Kermit Frandle of the Why Don't You Shut Your Freakin' Yap Already Foundation. If you or a loved one is suffering from Ken Avidor, this message is for you!
"What is Ken Avidor?"
Ken Avidor is a chronic insistence that light rail is the only effective transit technology that exists, and ever will. Ken Avidor is usually set off by any Google Alert mention of "Personal Rapid Transit" -- PRT, a monorail-like concept that has gone through a number of iterations over several decades. The person writing or uttering "PRT" soon begins displaying the symptoms of Ken Avidor.
"What are the symptoms of Ken Avidor?"
Ken Avidor spreads via the internet. Progressive web sites such as Lloydletta's Nooz and Twin Cities Daily Planet are unknowing carriers. Sufferers usually find themselves covered in painful, itchy and repetitive invective. If you discover you have a rashy smear or a smeary rash, you may have Ken Avidor.
Other symptoms include lack of a sense of humor, a short attention span, and a belief that Google Maps predicts the future.
| Avidor Facts: |
Another common symptom of Ken Avidor is distorted features. Just one of the 99 bills State Senator Ken Jacobsen (D-46) introduced this year in the Washington Legislature was about PRT and maglev transit. Shortly thereafter he was diagnosed with distorted cranial features -- textbook Ken Avidor.
"Who can catch Ken Avidor?"
Ken Avidor can afflict anyone and anything. Elected representatives, politicians, civil engineers, business people, architects, software engineers, urban planners, transit advocates, journalists and countries are all susceptible.
You can get Ken Avidor even by just thinking about a mode of transit that is not light rail. Julie Risser, a Green Party legislative candidate in Minnesota, thought about it. She came down with a relentless case of Ken Avidor that persisted until she swore off transit innovation.
Professor, engineer and anti-missile activist J. Edward Anderson has suffered from Ken Avidor for years, owing to his being at the forefront of PRT design and advocacy.
Zoe Naylor, a business journalist, came down with a case of Ken Avidor [see Nov. 5] just for writing an objective article about PRT.
Tom and Ray Magliozzi of NPR had a brief bout of Ken Avidor because they make jokes about automobiles, which are the anti-train.
Trevor Smallwood, a board member of the British PRT company ATS Ltd., began showing Ken Avidor symptoms after a rail company he headed was found NOT to be responsible for a multi-fatality train collision.
The dead can get Ken Avidor. Just hold a seance and ask the late Sheffer Lang, a highly regarded MIT professor and rail administrator.
Even national tragedies are not immune. September 11, 2001 developed Ken Avidor just eight days later--and all it did was distract attention from global warming.
"Is there a cure for Ken Avidor?"
At this time there is no cure, but here at the Why Don't You Shut Your Freakin' Yap Already Foundation we're searching all the time.
We've also made great strides in Ken Avidor research. For example, Ned Luddington was once thought to be a separate condition. But now we know Ned Luddington and Ken Avidor are the same thing [see also].
The good news is that Ken Avidor is not fatal--everyone I've mentioned is learning to live with Ken Avidor, and can expect to live a full, if hectored, life.
I'm Dr. Kermit Frandle. Thanks for listening.
